New Democratic Talking Points: "Change Nothing"

(Intercepted Document from the New Democratic National Committee)

------CONFIDENTIAL------

If you are not a card-carrying member of the Democratic National Convention, an affiliate of the cabinet of the current President-Elect, an employee or editor of a national news organ, then stop reading immediately and destroy this document.

OFFICIAL STANDARDS AND PROCEDURES FOR CONTINUED DEALINGS WITH ROGUE CONSERVATIVE THINKERS AND POLITICIANS (IF ANY ARE TO BE FOUND).

On the heels of our smashing victory this last November, we, the new Democratic leaders of this country, have cause to rejoice. We must not, however, be lulled into a false sense of security. Our foes are still out there, and they may be even more dangerous in their current, defeated state. After all, the last thing their cause needs is martyrs. The work of destroying our opposition has only just begun, and that work can be summed up in two, all-important words:

CHANGE NOTHING.

It will be tempting to adopt an attitude of magnanimous reconciliation with our opponents, or to soften the viciousness of our attacks. This is a sign of lingering humanity in many of our members, but under no circumstances should these primitive instincts be indulged. That which we have used to defeat the conservative (and to a somewhat lesser extent, Republican) ideologies must be continued verbatim, with no break and no exception. "Change" may be an extremely effective mantra for wooing the proletariat, but it is the last thing we wish to implement in terms of our ongoing manifesto. Our new President Elect has shown his understanding of this by peopling his cabinet entirely with our best old-guard liberal warriors, so let us all follow his example and remember the basic principles which have carried us thus far.

Here, in brief, are the guiding axioms that should continue to define our attitude to the remaining conservative underground and any recalcitrant Republican politicians who dare not defect to our side, if in ideology only:

NUMBER ONE: REPUBLICANS ARE STUPID.

This cannot be emphasized enough. This is our first and most effective attack, and it should be repeated above all others. Did it matter that George W. Bush scored higher grades than Al Gore? Not at all. Does it matter that he reads more books in a year than the typical Democrat voter will read in his lifetime (although, in all fairness, he does not watch anywhere near as much television)? No, it doesn't matter. As we so importantly learned during the Anita Hill/Clarence Thomas hearings a decade ago, it isn't the facts that matter, but rather the seriousness of the allegation.

Calling someone stupid works on the grade school playground and it works in the world of adult politics for the same reason: calling someone stupid means that their words can be legitimately ignored. THIS is the point. The last thing we want any of our people to do is start listening to the arguments of the other side. As we have long known, debate does not help our side, for the simple reason that our rank-and-file are, in actuality, rather ignorant themselves. As we know, eighty-percent of our own people do not know who Harry Reed is, and only slightly more can name the current vice president. Historically, our members do not vote on issues or ideology; they vote on emotion. They vote on what makes them feel “cool”, or “caring”, or “broad-minded”, or “sexy”. It has been said that Barack Obama is the first “MTV” President, and we are not ashamed of this. This is, in fact, the pinnacle expression of how our Party has always worked. We must, if anything, continue to craft our Democratic brand to represent this strength. This means assuring that our voters continue to vote based on emotion and cool-factor, rather than on boring intellectual facts. We must do everything in our power to prevent ideas from cluttering our voters’ judgments. In short, our best tools involve stifling debate, but under the guise that we'd love to have a debate, if only our opponents weren't so stupid. This way, we can allow our members to continue to feel smart, while freeing them from the burden of actual thinking.

NUMBER TWO: REPUBLICANS ARE HICKS, RUBES, REDNECKS, HILLBILLIES, HOOSIERS, HAYSEEDS or whatever synonym is colloquially relevant.

This is second only to the first in application, and it is mostly the purview and responsibility of the entertainment media to spread this attack. Our own politicians must continue to be viewed as above making such degrading accusations, but it should be made obvious that they are thinking it, and simply being too gracious to say so. Late night comedians in particular are granted free reign in spreading the rumors that:

• Conservatives enjoy incest at every opportunity.

• Conservatives own guns, leave them lying around their shacks loaded, and fire them at every opportunity, usually at cuddly animals and homosexuals.

• Conservatives are religious whackos that handle snakes, pronounce “God” as “GAWD”, and include country and western music as a central tenet of their faith.

• Conservatives are terrified of black people, and, in fact, people of any other color, and have probably never seen or spoken to one.

• Conservatives subsist entirely on Twinkies, deep-fried sticks of butter, and buckets of gravy, which they both drink and bathe in (often at the same time).

See? The jokes pretty much write themselves, mainly because we’ve been making them for so long. It does not matter that the jokes are unoriginal, cliché, or even knee-jerk obligatory. All that matters is that they demean and belittle our enemies in a way that works.

Many of our members feel a twinge of dishonesty about this tenet for two reasons: one, most Republican politicians are, in fact, wealthy upper-west-side urbanites with nary a gun cabinet or a pick-up truck in sight, and two, most of our rank-and-file constituency are gun-toting, pickup driving, rednecks, rubes, hicks, hayseeds, hoosiers, hillbillies, etc. It must be emphasized again that these mere “facts” must be ignored for the good of the Party. It does not matter that our political opponents are possibly more urbanized and intellectual than we are, simply because the allegations stick. We have been making them for so long that the idea of a redneck conservative politician is an absolute institution: people know it before we even say it, furthermore—and this is the main point—they know it not because it is true, but because we’ve been saying it for so long that people simply see what they expect.

Secondarily, it does not matter that the vast majority of our constituency is, in fact, rednecks, hicks and hayseeds, because of one very simple thing: they do not acknowledge it. They refuse to think of themselves as such, even though they know they are. We provide for them the important service of giving them someone else they can look down on, someone whom they can feel is even less backwards and inbred than themselves. Voting for us becomes simply a nominal evidence that they are not what we’ve claimed our opponents are. After all, what is more important to the redneck than fooling himself into thinking he is better than the “redneck” who might rule him?

NUMBER THREE: REPUBLICANS ARE RACISTS

This must be handled delicately lest it back-fire, but it is one of the deadliest bullets in our arsenal. As with the previous two points, it does not matter if the allegation is true, but merely that it be made, seriously and with absolute assurance. You must trust your own indignance, even if it is baseless. If we have been able to convince the voters of this country that the party of Abraham Lincoln and the Underground Railroad is, against all probability, a racist party, then you must trust your ability to make the accusation stick as well. Fortunately, today’s voters’ understanding of history is apocryphal at best, thus they actually believe that Republicans were the party of segregation, rather than Democrats. We have not yet had the sheer audacity to imply that Governor George Wallace, who enlisted the militia to block entry of black students into an Alabama high school, was actually a Republican, but we’d venture to guess that most people probably believe it anyway.

It may seem ludicrous on the surface of it, but it is absolutely essential to maintain the appropriate sense of outraged indignance whilst making accusations of racism, lest the accusation be seen for the farce that it is. One must not smile or giggle, even if the accusation is made against a conservative candidate who has adopted or married a person of a different race, supported racially-harmonizing issues, or is even of a non-white race themselves. There need be no supporting facts or evidence in the least. In fact, the more the accuser relies on actual evidence, the less convincing the accusation will probably seem. As any race-racketeer knows, racism is best accused on terms of “instinct”, rather than evidence. As we’ve learned in this country, if a person of color accuses a white of racism, it is true, period. Argument or denial by the accused will only deepen their apparent guilt. If handled well, there is no escape from the accusation of racism, as evidenced by the legions of conservatives who have been buried by it in the past.

Now that we have a black President in the White House, some of you may feel that this tool has become somewhat ineffective. To repeat the main point of this dispatch: CHANGE NOTHING. Accusations of racism have been a lethal tool against our opposition in the past, and they remain so today. The fact that we now have a black President in the White House simply means that, as far as we are concerned, forty-seven percent of voters are still racist. You must use this angle to its fullest effect.

NUMBER FOUR: SHOW NO MERCY

Joe Lieberman spoke before the Republican convention, supporting John McCain. Now that we have won, is this the time to welcome the Honorable Senator back to our camp with open arms, exhibiting our respect of his dissenting views in a country that purports to value freedom of thought? Recent events give us the answer to that question. Just as we have convened to see how best to punish, belittle and excommunicate the traitor, Joe Lieberman, we must not allow ourselves to show the slightest compassion on our enemies now that they are down. They will attempt to reorganize, even in their decimated state, and just as we have arisen from the ashes of the George W. Bush years, unified and unstoppable, they will surely attempt to rally themselves for 2012 and beyond. We are now in the perfect position to crush them utterly.

Our first tack must be to further the idea that Conservatism is dead, the Reagan years are over, and that Republican ideology must be redefined to conform to modern reality (i.e. liberalism).

Further, we must support and fast-track the Fairness Doctrine, shutting down on-air expression of conservative ideas. We must continue to redefine dissenting thought in all its forms as hate speech. We must inflame our base into threatening their conservative associates into silence. We must make our members believe that it is good and just to crush the opposition, with threats and shouts if effective, and with violence (such as the glorious displays at the Republican Convention earlier this year) when necessary. We must continue the campaign, consistently rallying our troops to avoid the temptation to debate issues or engage in polite discourse. Conservatives remain our enemy, and like a virus, they must be destroyed utterly, lest they return in the future, rallied and immune to our opposition. Now is the time to complete the work we have begun, ever vigilant, and more dedicated than ever.

That which has worked so far will continue to work. Our voters do not really want change. They want what they have always wanted: to be told they are smart and good for voting against the purported conservative dimwit redneck racists. They want to be promised things, even if we never really follow through with granting those promises. They want to be convinced they are victims, that the evil conservatives have held them down, and that it is time to make those conservatives pay, figuratively and literally.

Despite the apparent landslide of this last election, our majority is slight. Now is the time for us to create further dependence on the government, greater desire to be coddled and provided for, and even less belief in the potential for success. If we accomplish this mission, fully cementing a majority in this country who will vote entirely on emotion and on who promises the most goodies, rather than ideas and what is best for the country, then we will never again have to fear losing power. The few remaining conservative Republicans will become, quite literally, a party without a country.

Only then will we be able to rest.

Say hello to the new Democratic Regime. Just like the old Democratic Regime.

Dispatch From the New Conservative Underground: It's Worse Than We Thought

I work in the creative industry, therefore it will surprise no one that I am constantly surrounded by Democrats, most of whom are fairly hardcore liberal. Most of them are not bad people, but they are passionate about their politics, despite the fact that most of them truly do not know what they are talking about. Being a liberal in the creative industry is like being high at a Grateful Dead concert: you don't have to be the one smoking it to be under its influence. Most of the people in my field are Democrats simply because you can't be cool (or even particularly tolerated) if you are anything else, and creative people are very enamoured with being cool. I don't engage my colleagues in political conversations for the same reason prison inmates don't bend over to pick up a dropped bar of soap. I just keep my head down and do my job, and usually we all get along fine.

Today, however, I had my first serious freak-out of the new Obama era.

I was working in an editing suite with three other guys. One of these guys, who I will call Bob, spent a good portion of the day loudly voicing his glee about what the Obama presidency was going to be like. The other two guys nodded and agreed as Bob plowed on, assuming, as a matter of course, that everyone in the room agreed with him.

I have not been so sincerely freaked out in a long, long time.

It started with Bob disgustedly calling those who dared vote different than him "f--king hayseeds". This did not particularly surprise me. I am long accustomed to Democrats utterly belittling and insulting those who disagree with them. A few minutes later, however, Bob mentioned an acquaintance of his who'd attended the Republican National Convention. He said that this person had been appalled by the violence that was committed against many of the attendees. Bob blithely admitted that the violence had indeed occurred, and then explained to this acquaintance, "the fact that you people don't understand why that was justified is why you are going to lose this thing."

Did you hear that? I mean, really? According to this particular liberal Democrat, violence against people who disagree with him is justified.

I should point out that Bob is not a complete whack-job. He's successful. He's apparently happily married. He's a father. He's even relatively likeable when he isn't talking polotics. And Bob thinks that dropping cement bags onto the windshields of busses full of conventioneers and spitting on seventy-year-old women is justified, simply because those people dared to be Republicans.

How, exactly, are people like Bob different from terrorists?

I'd sure like to believe that Bob is the great exception, sort of like the Republican racist or the Boy Scout child-molester (contrary to popular belief), but then I began to recall more of what his party has always been about.

Barack Obama himself never once spoke out against the violences committed against Republicans at their convention. Strangely enough, on our own side of the campaign, one couldn't even mention Obama's middle name without John McCain calling an emergency press conference to condemn the guilty party. Amazingly, however, McCain's strained nobility didn't translate across the aisle. During the last debate, Obama managed to effect an air of wounded transcendence at the idea that someone might have shouted something ugly about him at a Republican rally, but was apparently all right with the idea of bags of human feces being lobbed at Republican conventioneers. Bob would certainly approve.

These are the people who've just won the White House.

This is the same party that spawned Jesse Jackson and his Rainbow Pucs Coalition, which regularly extorts massive donations from corporations lest they be deemed "racist" by the morally impeccable Jackson. Similarly, this is the same party that planted the seeds of the current economic catastrophe by threatening to picket banks as racist if they didn't grant more and more sub-prime home loans. This is the party that foments men like the baton-weilding Black Panthers who attempted to block the polling place in Republican-heavy voting areas, happily resorting to threats instead of debate. This is, in short, the party of simple thug-politics and mafia-style threats.

These are the people who now control the majority of the government.

Bob's party is the force behind the "fairness doctrine", which is interested in fairness in the same way that George Orwell's fictional "Ministry of Peace" was interested in Peace (for those of you who've not yet read "1984", the Ministry of Peace was, of course, concerned with waging war). This is the party that shuns debates of ideas, choosing instead the forced silence of anyone who dissents. This is the party of shouting down the speeches of those they oppose, rather than engaging them intellectually. This is the party of Barack Obama, who refused to debate John McCain in Town Hall-style meetings across the country. This is the party of Al Gore, who refuses to debate anyone in the scientific community (or any other community, for that matter) on the issue of global warming. This is the party of Michael Moore, of propagandistic movies and bumper sticker slogans, of one-sided diatribes of all kinds, but never of rational discussions of ideas. This is the party of belittling and mocking, of comfort in the like-minded crowd, because the group-think of the crowd so easily supplants any need for personal intellectual honesty.

This is the party that admits that the question of when life begins is "above their pay-grade", and yet, even in the face of that uncertainty, defaults to killing that potential life, and then dares to call it a virtue.

This is the party that admires Karl Marx, who taught that truth is variable based on whatever furthers the cause. This is the party that has made that philosophy a synonym for politics.

I hate to say it, but I think things are actually a lot worse than we originally thought. This is the party that is now firmly in charge of our country.

Bob had a lot more to say. He said that Obama was already planning to use his army of millions of online cyber-brutes to harrass his opponants, pressuring and threatening them into fast-tracking the new president's deliciously liberal agenda. Most of the facets of that agenda, Bob explained, had to do with forcing companies to adhere to debilitating "green" retrofittings (much like what Obama claimed he'd cripple the coal industry with) and supplanting "straight-capitalism" with "new socialistic capitalism". Bob wasn't just blowing smoke. He wasn't making any of this up. He knew his stuff. He knew the terminology and the numbers. He knew how this internet army came about (Clinton and Howard Dean) and about the uncomfortable alliance between Clinton's DNC and the new Obama regime. He knew dates and names and specifics. Bob was very much in-the-know.

Maybe Bob is wrong. Maybe Obama really will settle down into the sort of mainstream, centrist presidency that so many presidents seem to succumb to, regardless of political inclination. Maybe Bob doesn't represent his party when he says that violence against Republicans is justified and understandable. Maybe Bob is just one angry, gleeful exception in the liberal Democratic juggernaut that is now controlling everything.

Oh God, I do hope so. But considering the history of the Democratic party, up to this very day, I don't think Bob is wrong at all. I think Bob is, in fact, in the dead-center mainstream of his party.

I used to keep my head down and avoid talking about politics among my colleagues because I was worried about getting into a senseless argument. Now, for the first time, I am actually worried to even admit I am a conservative. Now, for the first time in my life, being a conservative could potentially be physically dangerous.

Welcome to the New Conservative Underground.

This Former Republican says: If You Can't Beat 'Em...

Well, it's almost nine o'clock on election night, and it's a foregone conclusion that Barack Obama is the new president. I was upset by this at first, but then I realized something, something that has set me free.

I've realized that I've been wrong all along.

Let me explain. I was raised by well-meaning, but obviously deluded parents. They worked hard to instill in me the same misconceptions they themselves grew up with, and as a result I have been a victim of those misconceptions my entire life. Thus, when I saw that the most liberal-minded democratic candidate of all time was about to assume the presidency, those life-long, deeply ingrained misunderstandings led me to believe that this would be an awful, even frightening thing. "How is it," I thought to myself, "That the majority of this country can fanatically support a man who represents the exact opposite of the ideals I was raised with?" And for the first time in my life, I asked a question that very few people ever honestly pose to themselves: Is it possible I am wrong and they are right?

It was an epiphany. I am shocked and amazed that it took me so long to realize how wrong I have been. And I have to tell you, it is extremely freeing to come over to the other side.

But I fear I am not being as specific as I should be. Like those who suffer from the disease of alcoholism, the first step to healing is admitting one's specific problem. Let me take a deep breath and face this.

I was raised to believe in personal responsibility. It was, in fact, the cornerstone of my family's belief system. I was taught that if I was ever to succeed, it was up to me to do the hard work of making it happen. I was told that no one would give me a free lunch. I was made to buy my own first car and pay my own way through college. As an adult, I have struggled and worked long, hard jobs, all because I believed it was my responsibility to take care of myself and my family. In short, my life view was summed up by the idea that I, and I alone, was responsible for my own health, success and family.

What a prison I had constructed for myself! To think of all the time I spent trying to work it out on my own, struggling to learn and grow, slaving through the days to hone my talents into marketable skills. How much time I wasted trying to create new products and valuable services, all to achieve my own success, to take care of myself and my family. In short, how very long I struggled to reach that elusive and teasing American Dream! Oh, what a fool I was! For now I see what the majority of the rest of this country sees, what the rest of you have apparently known all along: it ISN'T my job to take care of myself and my family. It's the government's!

WHAT a relief!

You know, I laugh now, looking back on how I felt during the election. I was so annoyed at people for not seeing the apparent folly of Obama's statements about "being our brother's keepers" when his own brother was living in a shack for twelve dollars a year and his aunt was living in a rat-infested slum in Boston. Now, of course, I see the real truth. Obama didn't literally mean we should take care of our brothers. What he really meant was that the government should take care of our brothers (and aunts). This explains how he intended to help his slum-living Aunt, and I see now that it is a much more loving method than just sending her some of his own money. Instead, once he becomes president, he'll just send her a bunch of everybody else's money. I understand now that it wasn't Obama's job to help Aunt Zeituni specifically, since she is just one of the millions of children of the government, meant to be taken care of like chicks under a huge, federal wing. It makes sense to me now. I used to be so shamelessly literal.

Similarly, I used to labor under a delusion of ownership. I was plagued by what Congressman Jim Moran recently called "the simplistic notion that people who have wealth are entitled to keep it." Never mind what Thomas Jefferson (the slave owner) meant when he said "a wise and frugal government... shall leave [men] otherwise free to regulate their own pursuits of industry and improvement, and shall not take from the mouth of labor the bread it had earned". It was quite the two-edged sword of heresy I lived under: the idea that I had to work hard for myself and my family, and the idea that what I earned by that hard word was mine. Only now do I see the folly of my ways, and now that I have rejected them, I feel such a sense of complete freedom.

Shall I describe it? Now I can finally- finally!- let it all go. No longer do I have to work hard day and night to make a way for myself and my family. No more will I have to struggle to create new products that the market may wish to enjoy. Finally, I can catch up on all that wonderful TV I've been missing because I'd been working so hard. Now, finally, it's someone else's duty to take care of me! How completely and utterly freeing! Here, all this time, I had resented the fact that the government takes away thirty percent of my income. Now, finally, I see that if I simply give up, lay back, and do nothing, that same government will give me chunks of someone else's thirty percent! What a complete and unadulterated fool I have been, working so hard and trying to be self relient! Obama, and you, the rest of the country who figured this out a long time ago, have finally shown me the way.

It's a new day. It's a "what's in it for me" day. This is the moment where I officially abandon the idea of personal responsibility and making it by myself. After all, I'm a victim. I was misled by my parents, taught a narrow-minded and probably racist litany of lies about character and hard work and wisdom and good choices. Now I see the truth: choices don't matter, because if I make a mistake, I can abort it (even in the third trimester, and I won't even have to pay for it). If I screw up, the government will take care of me anyway, so why even try? Why work so hard to be the one creating the income for everyone else, when I can be the one sponging it up? Let the Joe the Plumbers of the country be the schlubs to go out and work their butts off. They may be sucker enough to think its still worth it to be self-reliant, but I have seen the light. I have learned that it is better not to try, because trying just means having more and more taken away. I have learned that this is the "gimme" country. So gimme. I want mine. I don't want to work for it anymore. Why should I? It wouldn't be mine to keep even if I did. I want someone else's, because they have too much and don't deserve it, even if they worked for it.

I'm late coming to this party, I know. Most of the country is in line ahead of me. All of you who voted for Obama got here first, but I'm shouldering in with you, lining up outside the federal coffers for my chunk of the handout. The bank doors are open. We've finally gotten to that fabled point where we are voting in a president because of the free goodies he's promising us. I know it means the end of the country is at hand, but it isn't here yet. There's still at least a few more years of good looting to be had before everything is completely broke and all the producers flee the country like rats from a sinking ship. Until then, at least for a little while, there will be plenty of wealth to spread around, so get outta my way. I want mine.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Hallelujah, Reverend Wright, pass the collection plate.