Recently, the Obama team has released records of “torture” methods used by the Bush administration on terrorist militants. While the Obama team has chosen not to release any of the life-saving information obtained via said torture methods, they have made a rather serious and damning proclamation about the dangers posed by such actions. America’s use of torture on terrorist detainees, the administration claims, will function as a recruiting tool within the Al Qaeda’s terrorist network.
Unfortunately, they seem to have a valid point, as evidenced by the release of a recent surveillance document. The following is a transcript of a covertly recorded conversation between an Iraqi teenager and a terrorist recruiter. It may well change your position on the current torture debate.
-----(transmission begins with the sound of a closing door)-----
“So you are considering a career as an Al Qaeda terrorist, yes?”
“Well… I guess so."
“You have reservations. This is perfectly natural. Tell me, what is the nature of your apprehension?”
“I don’t know. I mean, what if I get caught? You know? I mean, the Americans… they’re the most powerful military in the world. I hear they torture their prisoners for information. I just… I just don’t know if I could face something like that. I mean, it isn’t all just fun and bombs, you know?”
“You hear correctly, my young friend. The Americans do torture captured terrorist militants. I have a brother in Gitmo. I had two friends who were at Abu Graib. You probably know them. Muhammad and Muhammad.”
“Muhammad’s boys? Yeah sure. My older brother went to school with them. We all used to play cops and suiciders in the back yard.”
“Indeed. The point is, all of them have witnessed and experienced the great Satan’s torture techniques.”
“And lived to tell of them?”
(indistinct; possibly a snicker) “You could put it that way. Let me show you a picture. This was just released by the new American President. It is a ‘candid’ photo of what torture looks like at the hands of the Americans.”
(gasps) “What are they doing to that man?”
“They are grabbing his face. This is what they call a ‘face grab’.”
“Let me guess: this was right before they cut his face off with an electric knife?”
“You would think so, right? I mean, that only makes sense. Alas, no.”
“Did they force him to eat broken glass, maybe?”
“Not a single shard.”
“Then they gouged out his eyes. With a spoon, right? They popped out his eyes and made him look at himself as they urinated on him. Is that it?”
“No, no, and no.”
(Horrified) “Then what? Oh, Allah, what did they do to him?”
“Nothing. After the face grab, he went to the commissary and had a nice rice pilaf and coffee. Weak coffee, I understand. The Americans try, they really do, but they just don’t know how to brew the bean. It’s surprising, really.”
“That’s it?”
“That is it.”
“But surely they were merely teasing him. Surely the next day… I mean, what about Abu Graib? The things I have heard—”
“Are mostly camel fodder. Do you want to know what really happened at Abu Graib?”
“I’m not sure I do. I… I have nightmares…”
(noise of a drawer opening, closing. A pause.) “What is this? A fraternity party at Mosul U?”
“It is from an American newspaper story. This…” (suppressed laughter) “This is a picture of the ‘cruelty’ committed at Abu Graib.”
“…this?”
“Yes.”
“Are those ladies’ panties?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“You are yanking my chain.”
“I yank no chains. This is what they call torture. There are Americans for whom this would be a sort of secret fantasy. And not a few of our own countrymen. Am I right? Huh? Yes?”
(Sheepish laughter) “Maybe. Yes. Ah-hah ha!”
(Mocking voice) “Oh no! A dog is barking at me! A leashed dog! I might get dog spit on my nice prison jumpsuit! Oh my goodness gracious! Dear me, there are ladies underpants on my head! Oh what will they do next? A lap-dance? Please, no!”
(Both laughing.)
“All right, all right, I get the point. But that can’t be all they do. I mean, the Americans, they’re as wily as the devil. They play terrible, godless games with their prisoners. I have heard how they can get inside a man’s very own mind, make him afraid, play on his deepest terrors. They have technology that makes nightmares come true, that brings a man’s secret horrors to life.”
“Alas, this is true. My brother, Muhammad, in Gitmo. He has experienced this.”
“He has? What? Tell me! What was his greatest fear?”
(Long, meaningful pause.) “Caterpillars.”
(Ten seconds of silence.)
“Caterpillars?”
“Well, that’s what he told them. They asked him what he was most afraid of, and it was the first thing that came into his head. He considered telling them he was terrified of hot fudge sundaes, but he thought even they wouldn’t believe that. So he said caterpillars.”
“Ooookay. So what did they do? Bio-engineer some sort giant carnivorous caterpillar and drop him off in a forest full of them with only a chicken bone for a weapon?”
“You’d think so, no? I mean, that would have been pretty cool. Scary, yes. But cool.”
“Dead cool.”
“No.”
“Then what? Tell me!”
“They put him in a room with one.”
“One what? One caterpillar?”
“Yes.”
“A regular caterpillar? No genetically enhanced fangs? No poison barbs?”
“Not so much as an electric stinger.”
(laughing again) “You are yanking my chain! Come on, admit it!”
“I tell you, I yank no chains. This is what the Americans do. And you know what? You know what is the most amusing thing of all? They feel bad for it.”
“No!”
“They do! They really do! They berate themselves for it. They conduct big crying fits on their Sunday morning talking shows, telling each other how horrible they are, how they must apologize and beg our forgiveness before we get really mad and do something equally bad to them! Like, oh I don’t know, spilling hot chocolate on them or something.”
“No way!”
“Yes way. They are so riddled with guilt that they give us Korans and prayer rugs—while we are in their custody! They give us lawyers to defend us. It’s true! It would be funny if it wasn’t so totally pathetic. But still, I mean come on, it is pretty funny, is it not?”
“They do know what we do to their people when we catch them, right?”
“Are you kidding? We send them videos! We broadcast the beheadings like spectator sports! We drag their bodies around the streets like piñatas and send them the pieces that are left! It doesn’t matter!”
“Impossible. It must be a trick.”
“Shh!” (Long pause, then whispering) “Do you hear that?”
“What?”
“Stalking… footsteps… coming for you… look out! It’s a… paper tiger!”
(both laughing)
(Falsetto voice) “Meow, meow! Do you have a lawyer! Meow! Are you comfortable? Do you need a new Koran? Meow, meow! Tell me where the bomb is or I’ll… I’ll take away your dessert! I may even grab your face a little! I may stick you in a room with a fuzzy bug! Mee-OW!!”
(growing serious) “That’s all well and good, but what about…”
“Yes, tell me. Get it all out. What is your last worry?”
“Well… what about… waterboarding?”
“I see. You have heard of this. Do you know what it is?”
(pause) “I’ve heard… things. Even the Americans are terrified to talk about it.”
“This is true. And that should tell you everything you need to know about them.”
“But what is it? Do they stick you in a box and fill the box with water until you drown?”
“No. But that’s a pretty good one. Try again.”
“Do they… do they nail you to a board and force you to drink so much water that your stomach explodes?”
“Allah akbar, boy, where do you get this stuff? Heavens no.”
“Well, what is it then? I have to know!”
“You say you have older brothers, yes?”
“Yes.”
“Did you ever go to the pool with them?”
“Ugh, yes. They used to tease me. They’d dunk me under the water and then let me up and laugh at me, and then do it again and again. My mother would get so mad at them. Once, I got so much water in my nose that a little bit came out my mouth. It tasted really gross and I had to go sit by the side of the pool for a few minutes. My mom gave me some Fritos and Kool-aid. I hated those guys.”
“Welcome to the resistance, my young friend. Muhammad here will suit you up and get you your machine gun. You have to grow your own beard.”
“Yes sir!”
“And son?”
“Yes sir?”
“If you purposely get yourself caught by the Americans just to go to Gitmo and have Harry Potter audiobooks played at you, I will come there and cut off your head myself.”
(grinning) “You totally would, too. Meow!!”
----- (laughter. Tape ends) -----
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