Dead Bird Walkin'...

Today, on the way to work, I heard the following story on the radio. It was a simple little blurb at the end of the news broadcast, the kind of story that newspeople like to call "lighthearted".

It is the day before Thanksgiving, and as is traditonal, the President has come forward and granted a pardon to the turkeys, two of them in this case, that had been carefully selected (by some sort of federal turkey committee, we must assume) to be served as the main course at the White House, come Turkeyday afternoon. This begs a rather cynical question, methinks. Are we to believe that President W. and the clan, along with the secret service and staff, are not, in fact, having the oh-so-traditional (not to mention yummy) turkey dinner on Thanksgiving day? Personally, I find that difficult to believe. Imagine it. There they all are, George and Laura and the twins, the Secret Service huddled around the kiddie table, all of them eating re-heated leftovers. "Nice goin', dad." One of the twins says ruefully. "Had to go and pardon the turkey again. Didn't you learn your lesson last year?"

The news story went on to explain what will become of the pardoned turkeys. They go to Disneyland. No kidding. They actually serve as grand marshalls at the Disneyland parade. One would think that eventually, somewhere along the chain of command, once the press stops paying attention and nobody is thinking about the famous freed birds anymore, that they are most likely gonna get eaten anyway. Mmmmmm, presidentially pardoned poultry...

I listened to this and I thought: We are a bunch of complete idiots.

I hear George W. Bush, like most presidents at this point in their term, is concerned about his legacy. Here's a way he could've really given his legacy an appropriate boost.

Imagine it: reporters and photographers gathered on the lawn of the rose garden, burbling amongst themselves, testing their equipment, readying their cameras and recorders. A blue platform stands at the end of the White House's side entrance, flanked by Secret Service and marines in dress uniform. George W. Bush emerges and the crowd applauds politely. Mr. Bush approaches the podium with the presidential seal on it, glances to the side, drawing everyone's attention to the two turkeys standing bewildered in cages displayed on the side of the platform. They are grand old birds, fat and docile, their feathers plumped out and their old lady's wattled heads looking resplendently red in the noon sunlight.

The president grips the podium. "Ladies and Gentlemen. Today, before you all, I hereby grant a full and unconditional pardon, effective immediately..." He pauses, smirking a little, glancing around the crowd of press and staffers. "To the butcher in charge of dressing these two delicious looking birds."

A man in the front row stands up quickly and dutifully. He is wearing butcher's apron and a high white chef's hat. He draws a butcher's knife from his apron belt as if it were a sword, then offers it handle-first to the commander in chief. Bush nods to the man, reaches down to accept the knife. He holds it up, grinning. "I'm gonna do it myself!" He exults. "I'm goan' EAT them mah' fahs."

And George Bush steps smartly over to the cage, yanks the first bird out and ...

Well, then pandemonium ensues. But still, that'd be a legacy maker, wouldn't it? I mean, does the president really make a statement by performing the same dopey, milquetoast idiocy that presidents have been doing for the past 59 years? Neh. Butcher them birds and eat 'em raw. That's what I say.

Fundamentalists and Left-Wingers: Seperated at Birth?

This is just an amusing and probably meaningless observation (probably, I say, but you never know, so pay attention):

There are always two kids of people in the world. Take any social see-saw and you'll find it's true: one is either an Elvis person or a Beatles person; a math person or a grammar person; a chocolate person or a fruit person; a Napoleon Dynamite person or ... well, just NOT a Napoleon Dynamite person.

One of the most polarizing social see-saws is the political/religious one. On one extreme end of this see-saw you have the ultra-conservative fundamentalist Bible-thumpers. These are the people who see Black Helicopters and the Illuminati behind most world events. They hoard batteries, guns and water for the imminent apocalypse. They home school, not because they believe they are better teachers than those in the public schools, but because they believe all teachers in the public school system are athiest/communist members of a leftist cabal bent on converting all children into anti-God homosexual PETA-members. On the other extreme end of the political/religious see-saw are the radical leftist ultra-spiritual mother-earthers. These people are the ones who believe religious dogma is a disease far deadlier than AIDs (which they secretly view as a badge of honor). On the other hand, they like crystals, and Wicca, and meditating to become one with the spiritual/universal plane. They eat organic vegan and consider meat-eaters murderers. They believe America is the most ultimately and irredeemably evil entity in the universe and indirectly root for terrorists to blow us all to smithereens. They would gladly die for the cause of A) someone's right to kill a fetus, or B) preserving the existence of a single spotted owl.

The interesting, amusing thing about people on both extremes of this spectrum, as my wife has recently noticed during a trip to a local health food store, is this: ultra-right-wing-fundies and ultra-left-wing-earthers, upon purely superficial inspection, look exactly the same! Take away the words on the bumper-stickers and T-shirts, and there is virtually no way to tell them apart, despite their drastically polarized belief systems!

Examples: both tend to be into health food, vitamins and natural remedies. That's why we first noticed this while in a natural food store: it is one of the few places where both factions of the political/religious see-saw intermingle with no apparent animosity. Fundies and Earthers both love the idea of healing through Royal Jelly and homeopathy. They both love all-natural organic foods and abhor irradiation and 16 letter words in ingredient lists. Positive-thinking and shark's cartilage and bee-sting therapy and the spiritual/psychic power of magnets; these are all favorites of both factions, strangely enough.

But it doesn't stop there.

Both sides look and dress similarly in many ways. Fundies and Earthers both tend toward an austere, plain form of dress. The women tend not to wear much make-up and to have rather cavalier attitudes towards shaving certain body-areas. The men like sandals and goatees and glasses. Both factions wear angry and provocative slogans about their core beliefs (and both factions have loads of core beliefs) on their persons in the form of t-shirts, buttons, patches, jewelry and caps. Both factions tend to have the same expression built into their faces: I dare you to disagree with me, the expression says, I'm pissed off about the state of the planet and the country and the way you're dressed and the things you're eating, so please PLEASE disagree with me so I can vent some rage on you with a self-righteous and endless diatribe.

Both factions are serious. Both have little or no sense of humor, except when it comes to sarcastic and vicious statements about those that disagree with them. Both are essentially unhappy. Both could have their worldviews summed up with the bumper sticker slogan, "If you aren't angry, you aren't paying attention".

Both the Fundies and the Earthers utterly hate anyone who disagrees with them. They both believe the other is Evil and Deadly. Neither are thinkers. They defend and attack their positions unquestioningly and instantly, as a purely reflexive action. They are, in short, miles beyond self-examination and introspection. Screeching about persecutions and offenses is their equivalent of sticking their fingers in their ears and yelling "Blah blah blah!" to block out any reasonable argument. Neither the Fundies nor the Earthers can bear to hear even the most calm dissent. And both, in their own way, believe God is irrevocably on their side.

Isn't it funny? In a more-or-less non-ha-ha funny kinda way? Despite what they may think, the Earthers and the Fundies are far more similar than they'd ever admit or imagine. They'd probably be best buddies if it weren't for the fact that they have to hate each other.

I am a Christian, and grew up around Christians. Many of them were and are, I am reluctant to admit, Fundies. Not quite the bomb-throwers some Fundies are, but some of them come close. They wear argumentative Christian T-shirts and caps and listens exclusively to Praise Music. They thinks abortion clinics that get bombed deserve it, although they wouldn't go plant any bombs themselves (in that respect they are a lot like the non-killing Muslims in my previous blog). Most of them are absolutely and unassailably positive of their convictions, although they detest and abhor any discussion that might cast any doubt on those convictions. They proclaim the house of their beliefs solid and able to withstand the onslaught of the most ferocious storm, as long as you don't actually approach that house, or touch it, or even look at it too closely, and certainly as long as no actual wind or rain is allowed to fall on it.

Whenever I visit my funadmentalist friends, I find myself praying a prayer like this: Oh God, protect me from absolute certainty. Protect me from never being able to listen to a reasonable argument, and considering it's veracity, even if it defies my deepest beliefs. Help me to always be ready to engage my brain before I engage my mouth. Help me to avoid the lure of self-righteous condemnation of those who disagree with me.

I don't want to be a moderate, necessarily. I don't want to be wishy-washy. I do have strong beliefs. I just want to be able to defend them with love and respect for those who disagree with them. I want to always know why I believe them- not just that I do- and to be able to explain those beliefs (and this is the important part) in a way that people can hear, not just in a way that makes angry noise.

I guess that must be what the Bible means when it says one can speak with the voice of angels, but if you don't speak with love, you're just flappin' your gums, making a ruckus, essentially annoying everybody.

At any rate, that's a bit off topic- just a little personal rabbit trail.

I just thought it was interesting that, when you remove the actual words, both sides of the political/religious see-saw look and sound almost exactly the same. They're like brothers in a civil war. By definition, they share the same earthiness and graveness, the same plainness and angry slogans and spittle-flying diatribes, the same utter intolerance of those who disagree. I guess this is a good thing for the rest of us. Makes them easy to recognize and avoid.

God save us from absolute certainty, and those who espouse it. They deserve each other.

The Muslim Mafia

I've been thinking about this for a long, long time, but I have refrained from saying much about it, either here or elsewhere, because of one very important factor.

This is going to be about Islam. The one factor that has kept me from making the strong statements and judgements I am, perhaps unfortunately, known for on this very timely subject is the fact that we have someone in our lives who is a devoted Muslim, a person whom we trust implicitly and who we like immensely. She is, in fact, something of an icon in the local Muslim community. She gives speeches on the subject and makes annual trips to Mecca, where she spends much time in prayer and quiet devotion. She is kind, caring, thoughtful, humourous, highly intelligent and generally just a joy to be around.

It is her I think of first when I begin to respond to the current events involving the Muslim world. It is her I think of when I see news footage of bearded men in turbans firing automatic weapons and speaking serenely of the death of my children. It is her I think of when I hear Islam referred to as a religion of peace.

Well, that is officially changed as of now. It was the Pope's speech that did it.

I didn't listen to the speech. I didn't even know, or care (being neither Muslim nor Catholic), that it was going on. The first I heard of it was the day after, when excerpts of it were being played on the radio and TV, and the first responses of the Muslim world were coming in.

As far as I understand it, the Pope quoted some ancient text in which a Muslim and a Catholic were discussing Islam. The Catholic said (and I very much paraphrase) "Show me anything new Muhammad brought to the world of religion, and I will show you violence and coersion." So maybe the essence of that idea is right, maybe it is wrong. What is extremely telling, however, is the response of the Muslim world in general. Frankly, I think it is funny, in a black-comedy sort of way.

"Call us and our Prophet violent, will ya!?" They shriek. "Take that back right now or we'll kill you and your children! Take it back or we'll burn your churches and piss on the ashes! We'll dance on the graves of your families! Take it back or die a thousand deaths! We'll show YOU to call us violent!"

I mean, really. If it wasn't true, it'd be a farce. It's Mel Brooks doing religion.

And it struck me as familiar somehow. I mulled it over and I finally realized what it was. It's not so much religion as farce: it's religion as mafia.

The traditional mafia M.O. (at least according to Hollywood) is for the pinstriped goombah to sell insurance to local businesses. "Pay us up and I can insure you against us smashing ya moichendise and maybe ya nose. At least until next month." The Muslim Mafia says "Pay us respect as a Religion of Peace and maybe we won't send our goons to saw off your head and bomb your churches. Until next month."

Sure, there are lots of Muslims who don't saw off heads and hide missiles in their basements. They aren't members of the Muslim Mafia. But what I find utterly dismaying, and frankly disgusting, about your average non-killing Muslim is that they will not, under any circumstance, condemn the actions of their hacksaw wielding brethren. Even our good Muslim friend, when I asked her about the violence and the killings enacted in response to those dopey Muhammad cartoons, essentially defended them by pointing out alleged atrocities performed against the Muslim world by the American military/political machine. She essentially said, "Well, Muslims are angry and oppressed, so any violent response is legitimate."

She would say that was not what she meant. In so may words. But that's what her response still boils down to. Hers, and that of the rest of the non-head-sawing-off Muslim world. "We've been opressed and insulted. You brought it on yourselves. I might not be planning to kill you and your family myself, but if other Muslims are, well, you probably deserve it. Also, don't you dare say we're violent. I'm not, so it's unfair to say Muslims are. I'll sue you if you say it. Or some other Muslim will bomb your house. So take it back."

There are terrorists in the Christian world as well, as many Muslims point out. Absolutely there are. The Ku Klux Klan is a prime example: murderous, hateful thugs bent only on death, coersion and intimidation. The vast majority of Christians, however, utterly and loudly condemn the Klan. They distance themselves from such loons, speak out forcefully against them.

The Muslim world won't speak out against their terrorists. They defend them, if by nothing else than their silence.

If there are atrocities being committed against Muslims by our soldiers or our government, we speak out against that, too. If our soldiers did indeed commit those awful rapes and murders in Iraq, I, for one, would see that they got the death penalty, quickly and economically. I do not, instead, defend their actions by pointing out that plenty of other American soldiers have been blown to smithereens by Iraq-made roadside bombs.

That, however, is what Muslims - even non-head-chopping Muslims - do. Ask any Muslim: was it OK for the terrorists to torture and mutilate and then dance proudly over the bodies of those two American servicemen? What do you think they will say? The words will vary, but the response will be along the lines of "Well, Muslims are offended and insulted and pissed off. I may not have done it myself, but I sympathize with those that do." No Muslim, in my experience or observation, will ever say "No. That wasn't all right. Paying back a wrong with raw vengeance is also wrong. I renounce that, and I reject those who call themselves Muslim and commit such acts."

Oh, how it would be refreshing to hear a Muslim say that. Oh how it would restore my faith in the Muslim world if they didn't simpy respond with their own allegations and angry threats. If they would stop justifying murder as a response to insults, or even disagreement. How refreshing it would be even if one Muslim said "We don't all want to saw off your head and kill your children, but I sympathize with the fear and trepidation you feel because of those of us who do!" Even that would amount to a monumental gesture towards understanding and something at least attempting reconciliation.

Instead, the Muslim Mafia sits serenely back and makes us a deal we can't refuse: Embrace us. Follow our dictates. Respect us as a Religion of Peace. Or we'll kill you. We'll probably kill you anyway, or die trying, because even those of us who wouldn't kill you won't lift a finger to stop those of us who will. But hey, that'll be later. For now...

That's a nice family you got there. Be a shame if anything happened to 'em...

Defective Hearts

I am married. To give some idea of how I feel about the woman I won, let me say that I pursued her, helplessly, rather unabashedly, and occasionally nearly against my own will, for ten years. She was one of my best friends all that time. We met when she came into my Dad's bookstore looking for a job and I, in a very uncharacteristic gesture of raw pursuit, took her phone number from her application and called her to ask her to go out with me. I loved her the moment I saw her. Yeah, yeah, cheesy and dopey, but true as the blue sky and the green earth below. I loved her helplessly and titanically and I knew, if this woman turns out to be half as spectacular as my heart said she was the first time I met her, I was smitten beyond words. I would chase her to the ends of the earth, woo her until my dying breath, for nothing more than a contented smile on her face and the knowledge that I put it there. And she ended up being even more than I expected. Love like this does happen. If I wasn't living it, I wouldn't believe it.

Hell. I AM living it, and half the time I don't believe it.

Still, we fight. I think we fight even more because we love each other so ferociously. It's ironic, but if you give it a little thought, it makes sense. So we had a fight on the way to church the other night. Like always, it was about some annoying, meaningless little thing that happens to be about the same emotional shape as something much bigger and more deeply rooted. For me, it's usually about the fact that, lovely as she is, my wife reminds me of my Dad, with whom I have always had a quietly desperate, arid relationship. One doesn't need a degree in psychology to know that bad father-child relationship crap is the best fertilizer to grow marital strifes in. Like all our other arguments, we proceed into them whole-hog, knowing we will eventually work through it and that out commitments to each other are rock solid, making such arguments relatively safe. On the other hand, I have been particularly raw about some of these issues lately, and this argument was really raking the wounds.

We arrived at church in a cloud of bitter acid, neither of us yet giving an inch and, for my part, feeling very hurt. I was in no mood to be at church. I could hardly bring myself not to snarl at people who approached me, and I was certainly in no frame of mind to hide what was happening between us for the eyes of polite society.

We went in. We sat down. The music started.

We go to a large church, a huge church. There were several hundreds of people in attendance that Saturday evening. I sat there fuming, stewing in emotions that felt, at the moment, like rejection and loss, like being misunderstood and uncared for. In that multitude, I felt utterly lonely and bereft, hollow as a gourd and lost as innocence.

And that's part of why I was so quietly shocked to see her in the row ahead of me, five or six seats down. It explains part of why I responded to seeing her so strongly, but it doesn't explain everything. Let me go back a bit.

For the sake of propriety I'll call this woman Sadie. I met her four years ago or so, when I first came to my church. When I met her...

How can I say this? How can I put it in the proper context without cheapening it? Bottom line: things like this shouldn't happen. That's what I thought when I met her. There shouldn't be the capacity for this in my heart. If there is, something is terribly wrong. If there is, hearts are defective. There's been a terrible mistake.

I am a man, and men, at least, will know what I mean when I say that you occasionally see or meet a woman and find yourself physically attracted to her. Big deal. The less scrupulous of us will fantasize about her. The very less scrupulous will pursue her and maybe woo her into an affair. Those of us committed to our marriages will recognize it as merely a knee-jerk meaningless erotic response and shut it down, think about Ernest Borgnine eating pizza or simply look the other way. This- plain sexual attraction- doesn't stop at marriage, and the best of us are trained mentally to deal with it and dismiss it. It's relatively easy, with practice.

Physical attraction is one thing.

Meeting Sadie, however, was different. Sexual attraction was part of it. Sure. In the same sense that grammar is part of a Shakespearean sonnet.

OK, I'm circling this, afraid to land on it, afraid of how it will sound and simultaneously afraid of diminishing it. Here's what it was: when I met Sadie, I loved her. You ask (as do I), was it like when I first met my wife?

A little. Maybe more than a little.

Being around Sadie was like being with someone you'd loved passionately in a previous life, loved with an intensity that was too strong for death to erase. Sadie was lovely to me; lovely in the classic sense. She effortlessly, apparently against her own will, exercised a totally specific magnetism upon me, so real and strong and palpable that I tended to overcompensate, fighting it. Where I would give a friendly hug to other people at church, or touch their arm while chatting, or even just shake hands, I never touched Sadie. I couldn't, for the terrible fear that somehow touching her might result in some sort of spontaneous reaction that would reveal the secret of my complete thrall for her for all to see. I couldn't touch her, not for all the awkwardness in the world, because I so desperately wanted to.

I stood ridiculously far apart from her when we talked. And here's the rub of it all-- because of certain involvements at church, we did have to talk. We had to spend time together. O Cruel Fate! I loved that time together and loathed it in equal parts! Of course she didn't reciprocate those feelings. I knew that. She was, like me, married, and apparently happily so. She was content and well-loved and completely beyond and above any such wild and reckless emotions, especially for me. I knew that. It had to be so. Because if it wasn't so... if she did reciprocate in her heart...

O cruel, awful, capricious fate.

But after a while, Sadie moved away. I didn't have to see her anymore. And that was good. Out of sight, out of heart. Because as much as she held me in her thrall, it was a useless, pointless, ultimately unfulfillable thrall. She moved away and I was relieved, because I wouldn't have to struggle with that horrible duality anymore. At least not overtly.

And then, that Saturday night at church, a year or so after she'd moved away, in the midst of a terrible, hurtful argument with my wife, there, in a crowd of thousands, was Sadie, only a few feet away. That seemed then, and it seems to me now, like one whopper of a coincidence. It turned me inside out.

I wasn't going to talk to her. Wasn't, wasn't, wasn't. So I stood off to the side at the end of the service and refused to look in her direction. But- and this was important! - I didn't duck out immediately. Sadie approached me. She touched my arm and smiled and greeted me. We talked for several minutes. She was back in town for a couple of days, visiting. Things were good for her. We exchanged trivialities. We stood about five feet apart.

Sigh.

I don't love her. I don't love Sadie. But I recognize, when I am near her, the capacity to love her, hugely and ferociously. The feeling is irrepressible. It is giddy and terrible and frightening and inspiring. But in the end, sadly, it is just insipid. Pointless. Empty. Silly. Ultimately, tragically, useless.

WHY is that possible? I assumed, growing up, that sexual desire for a variety of women wouldn't stop after marriage. I prepared myself for that. What I never considered, however, was the possibility that there would be more than one socket for abject adoration in my heart! That doesn't seem logical or right! Why would God design hearts that way? How can it not but lead to sadness and loss, or at the very least, this occasional sense of abject, pitifull emptiness at the Unfulfillable Wow? My picture of the romantic heart had been of a power junction with one socket: True Love Goes Here. And now, because of the timing of meeting Sadie again, so unexpectedly and poignantly, I was face-to-face with the fact that there are, apparently, more sockets. There may even be a whole line of sockets, a whole line of potential loves. This seems so horribly, unfairly wrong to me. To me, to my wife, even to Sadie.

So my wife and I, we worked out our problem that night. We rode home. We made up. But I was haunted by Sadie, by the love that wasn't, and couldn't be. It affected me. So the next morning, rather unexpectedly, I just told my wife about it.

She knew, of course. She wouldn't have brought it up, but she knew, and was glad we talked about it. Talking about it took some of the power of it away, which is understandable, I guess. That was a good thing, a healthy thing. My wife once again proved how unbelievably rare and wonderful she is by listening and empathising and helping me work through it. I told her because I choose her, always and forever, and I want to be current with her, and her with me. That is the intimacy of marriage, and I wanted it to be real. Talking about Sadie with my wife was essential. I discovered it after the fact, and so I am extremely glad I did it.

She said she saw us talking at church. She said she could see what was happening for at least one of us. The distance. The carefulness. The things that so obviously weren't happening, but could've been.

So that is the end of the story- what story there is. But I was left to wonder and worry over this idea of defective hearts. It just seemed wrong. Totally and unthinkingly stupid. Cruel. Dangerous. A cosmic bad joke.

I went for a bike ride in a local park, surrounded by trees and winding paths and one of those peculiar woods-bordered ponds that people in the midwest call lakes. I thought about defective hearts and did what I do best, which is yell at God. I am a petulant, argumentative, distrustful son to my heavenly Papa, but at least I talk to Him about it. I rail and I whine and I carp and I accuse. Fortunately, I know He made me this way and I know His love makes Him patient. I yell at Him about it because I believe, in my deepest heart, that God wants me to ask Him the hardest questions. If for no other reason than that it keeps me talking to Him.

I am an artist, thus I am visual. As I rode, I imagined my original idea of my heart-- a single power junction with one socket: True Love Goes Here. Then I imagined pulling back a curtain and seeing more sockets, identical to the first. I imagined standing back, taking in those additional sockets, then looking up, looking around, seeing additional rows of sockets, lined out above and below. In this odd little mind-movie, I took steps backward, widening my view, turning, and saw row upon row of sockets, lined up in stacks and columns, diminishing upward in a dim blur of perspective. I turned on the spot, and what I had thought was an intimate little room, a shrine to one love, one special socket, was instead a cathedral of mythic proportion, halls upon halls of sockets, each one a potential love, a power-connection to grandeur. All empty, however, except for my one special socket, the one with my wife's name on it.

And suddenly, as has happened on a few other occasions in my life, it was as if God put His hands gently on my shoulders and turned me-- just enough to shift my perspective a few degrees, to give me the slightest, tiniest hint of the view from His side of things. It was extremely subtle, but it made all the difference in the universe.

Maybe we were originally meant to love endlessly and perfectly. Maybe that is how we were designed way back at the beginning, in Eden. Maybe, rather than being a sign of defective design, all those necessarily dormant sockets represent a more perfect design than our fallen-ness allows us to explore. I imagined trying, in my fallen imperfection, to plug Sadie's love into one of those other sockets in my heart. What would happen? Would I experience love times two? That which I share with my wife and a new love, equal and unchallenged, for Sadie?

No. I couldn't. In my fallenness, my love-current is sadly limited. The current would split, and probably not equally. The result would be jealousies and unfulfillment. Frustration. Bitterness. Neither Sadie nor my lovely wife would get the love they deserved and I would most likely grow hard and empty, unable to love anyone with all my heart.

I sensed God very quietly telling me: It isn't the design of your heart that is faulty. Your fallen-ness, inherited from your father Adam, cuts you off from the ultimate love current, which means you simply cannot power more than one socket. That one socket is my gift to you, though. It is a hint of what is to come, once the curtain is pulled aside completely. Enjoy it as fully and unabashedly as you can! Let it be a tantalizing vision of what love might be like on the other side of this life, when the current won't be restricted!

And I thought-- maybe this is what Jesus meant when he said there isn't marriage in heaven. Maybe it's a heresy, but it feels right to me: maybe marriage isn't diminished in heaven, as I'd always rather despondently thought. Maybe all other relationships are simply elevated to the level and intensity of the best marriage relationship! If that is the case, I suspect earthly marriages will still have a special significance, perhaps in the same way that the Jews have a special significance to God, even though we gentiles are grafted into the tree. But still: I imagine a time out of this earthly life when all those sockets in my heart, which are necessarily dormant now, dark and empty, are lit up with some fantastically unlimited love current and we are all capable of loving endlessly and with complete fulfillment.

Then again, maybe that's all crap. I'm not gonna make a doctrine out of it. But it feels like if it is wrong, it is standing right next to the truth in the lineup.

Either way, I am back to a place where I am trusting God's nature. I am trusting His design. I sense, when I complain to Him about it, that He smiles indulgently and confidently and says to me in a joyful whisper: "Just you wait, son. Hang on. Wait it out. The truth of it all will blow you away. Trust me." And I can't help but smile myself, because I sense He can't wait to show me, can't wait to toss me, all of us, into the oceans of joy He's got waiting for us.

So I sigh a wry, relatively happy sigh and promise to wait it out a little longer.

The Tree on the Dock

This story ends on a downbeat, but I don't want to emphasize that. I'll say it up front first. My Grandpa killed himself when I was nine years old.

We found out on an early spring afternoon the day it happened. My brother and I were in our shared bedroom playing a little kid version of football. It resembed actual football only inasmuch as we used a football to play it. There were no rules, per se, and I don't even think we kept any sort of score. It was mainly an excuse to shove one another around on the carpet next to our bunk beds like sumo wrestlers.

The phone rang downstairs, which didn't even scratch our attention. Phonecalls were part of the adult world and utterly inconsequential to our mad, hyper, essentially tiny world of Empire Strikes Back bedspreads and Space Legos and Cleveland Browns posters. Half a minute later, we heard mom make a noise, a sort of restrained scream. I didn't know the word "woe" back then, but when I learned the word, years later, I thought of the sound that mom made that day and understood it immediately. Kev and I stopped playing football instantly and looked towards our open bedroom door, towards the half flight of stairs that led down to the living room and kitchen, ultimately toward the source of that terrible, alarming sound from mom. The conversation that had been droning on down there was eerily hushed now. Dad's voice did most of the talking. No more sounds of woe came from mom. We went back to playing football.

Kev had possession a few minutes later and we were assuming the sumo-football position again when dad came upstairs and knelt down next to us. He told us quietly and as carefully as he could that grandpa had died. I understood it but I didn't get it. I think the same was true for Kev. When dad finished telling us (grandpa had been his father; it was a very short speech), Kev moved to start the game again. Dad gently asked him if he knew what it meant that grandpa had died. We both said yes. We both went back to playing again, with that new knowledge there, working its way into our minds like a seed putting down slow, slow roots.

That night, mom and dad were gone. I didn't know then where they'd gone and I don't know now. They were evidently attending to all those terrible mundanities of arranging a funeral, helping grandma cope, figuring out how much it was all going to cost and how they were going to pay for it. The old lady that lived in the farmhouse a half mile distant from our house came and stayed with Kev and I. Her name was Mrs. Byers. She and her husband were friends of mom and dad's. We used to walk to their house on summer evenings and play shuffleboard on their long, immaculately tarred driveway. The Byers's were like secondary grandparents to Kev and I. That night, Mrs. Byers let me stay up late and watch TV with her after Kev went to bed. On the whole, it was sort of a treat, although the show (some miniseries with lots of pirhannas and vampires and stampeding rhinos and obviously wildly tangential storylines) wasn't as good as I had hoped it would be.

I cried for the first time over grandpa's death at the funeral. I was ashamed of the tears, and I couldn't go look at the body, because I knew they would be uncontrollable if I did. I sat way back in the last row of the taupe folding chairs arranged in the little, non-air-conditioned funeral home and cried feircely and quietly, staring at the casket that barely hid his body from view. The tears and the grief were totally new, and even in the throes of the emotion, I marvelled at how powerful they were. It was like watching a thunderstorm inside.

Grandpa had left only a few hundred dollars. This, both grandma and mom and dad believed, grandpa would have wanted to go to his grandkids, Kev and I and my cousin Jenny. I am sure they were right. After the funeral, mom and dad took us out to go on a little shopping spree with grandpas last couple hundred dollars. It was dizzyingly thrilling to us, and I think it was a salve to mom and dad's hearts to watch us enjoy grandpa's affections that way one last time. We went to Hill's department store. Kev and I both got new baseball mitts. I got my first wristwatch. Its face had a little picture of Snoopy wearing a headband and holding a tennis racket. His arms were the watch's hands. The second hand was a tiny tennis ball that turned perpetually around Snoopy, always just out of reach of his racket no matter what time it was. The band was made of denim. I really loved that watch and often thought of grandpa, in a sort of distant, happy way when I looked at it.

To this day I don't know a whole lot about why grandpa did it. I know there was something about some medication he was supposed to be taking but wasn't. I know that despite his monolithic, gibralter-like solidity (to my eyes, at least) he was depressed. I think it had something to do with retiring and something to do with having an illness that grandma always called "sugar". All I know for sure is that it ended with him telling grandma he was going out one day, driving his car to Mr. Wiggs, buying some garden hose, then driving somewhere else to park and use the hose to pipe the exhaust into the car. It was, evidently, a pretty painless way to go.

When I was growing up, grandpa was the biggest man I knew. He worked at a factory that made chains, which was somehow mythical to me. His forearms were gigantic slabs, like rawhide stretched over steel cables. His belly was huge but incredibly tough, like a medicine ball under the fabric of his light blue short sleeve button-down shirt, through which could always be seen the ghost of a strappy tee-shirt. He always wore a black leather pocket-protector His hands were like grapples, bigger than my head. He had a perpetual crew cut, steely gray with a hint of black lingering above his ears. His face was like something made from granite, but not because it was hard; because it was so solid-looking, so essentially kind but immovable.

Grandma and grandpa lived in a small two story house with a little front porch and a larger, enclosed side porch. Unlike us, they lived in a neighborhood with very close neighbors, some of whom were their best friends, some of whom they had ongoing, petty squabbles with. The polotics of the neightborhood intrigued and amused me, partly because we lived in the country with very little by way of neighbors ourselves (apart from the Byers), and partly because the neighborhood was so essentially old and close that it was like an extended family with little alliances and fueds and ongoing inherited histories. Grandma and grandpa's house was on a corner lot one row of house removed from the Sandusky bay. The enclosed side porch, a tiny glassed-in room with very incongruous rainbow-striped carpeting (something bought on deep-discount, I am sure) and the pull-out sofabed completely filling one end, looked down a short length of dead end street and straight out over the bay.

The bay was, and is, magical to me. It was moody. Sometimes it was blue-green and laughing, throwing up confetti bits of spray around the dock. Other times it was mean and cold, gray as slate and choppy. On those days, reflecting the marching clouds that looked so low and busy over its flat horizon, the bay looked hungry and full of mystery. On those days I'd believe that the bay had grisly secrets: sunken ghost ships that arose at night and prowled the mists, seaweed choked skeletons that crawled blindly in the depths, seeking shore and long-lost loved ones. Like most boys , I wanted to believe those terrible things. I loved them and was terrified of them.

Grandpa loved the bay, too. Or so it seemed. Now I don't know if it was love or something else.

Kev and I would take turns spending a week with grandma and grandpa every year. I remember it was the highlight of my summer. I'd spend the days being fed grandma and grandpa's unique diet of TV dinners, Cup 'o Soup, greasy "hamburgs" covered in onion powder, and bowls of sugary cereal for bedtime snacks. We invariably ate off of folding trays in front of the television watching Hee Haw or westerns. Afternoons were spent playing with Marty and Chris, two kids from across the street, in their sandbox, or swimming off the tiny crescent of rocky beach next to the dock. There was virtually no sand at the beach, but there was a lot of gravel and scree, as well as the occasional interestingly rotting carp. What made the beach particularly magical though, despite the smell and the peasoup green water sucking at the rocks, was the gems. I knew they weren't real gems, but what did I care? They were sparkly and multicolored and myriad, dotting the beach in their hundreds and thousands. The story dad told me to explain the phenomenon was this:

Once, many years ago, when dad himself had been little, there had been a factory further along the shore of the bay. The factory made glassware: bottles, glasses, jars, cups and saucers, all sorts of different colored glass containers. A glass factory produced quite a lot of broken glass bits which the factory dumped very economically into the bay. Over the years, the smaller glass bits were carried by the tide, coming slowly back ashore all along the edge of the bay. Interestingly, the scouring of the water had left all the bits softened and dulled, essentially harmless to little naked feet and fingers. The results were the gems of the beach: curved traingles, irregular prisms, shallow broken concaves and lenses. The colors were myriad: shell pinks and dark bottle greens and midnight blues that were only a few shades from black until you held them up to the sun. There were even occasional bits with vine patterns or runic letterings stamped into them. Every now and then I'd collect some of the more interesting pieces, but never for long. There were too many to collect. And besides, the beach wasn't going anywhere. The gems would always be right there, no matter what.

The dock was actually a tiny man-made peninsula. It was formed by an outline of old creosote-soaked railroad ties, stacked and pegged together with iron bars, and then filled in with dirt and large, jagged white rocks. The dock stretched about forty yards out into the bay. It was maybe ten yards wide and had a dogleg to the left at the end. I didn't know who had built it, but it had to have been long, long ago, because a tree had grown on the dock. It grew a little further than half-way out, and it was huge. It was a weeping willow, its trunk fat and curved, deeply scored with ancient bark. It looked prehistoric to me, especially standing all alone out there among the spider-infested, bone-white rocks, enormous, draping its trailing whip leaves out over and into the water on both sides. There was only ever one boat tied to the dock during my time there, and it was a neighbor's little white rowboat, the oars tucked neatly inside and fishing tackle stored under the seats. The dock jutted out into the water to the left of the little shingle of beach. When we'd swim out into the bay from the beach, I never got very close to the slick, seaweedy black walls of the dock. I had explored the dock from the top, but for some reason I hated being near it from the water. There was something deeply awful to me about the trailing willow branches, bobbing limply on the water. Worse was the sound the waves made as they lapped against the stacked railroad ties: a sort of mushy sucking and smacking. It made me think of the secrets of the bay, the leaden, hungry look of the waves on windy days just before a storm.

I slept on the enclosed sunporch, in the big pull-out sofabed. Grandma and grandpa always let me stay up until they went to bed, promptly after the weather forecast on the eleven o'clock news. Then, I'd pull the cushions off the couch and grandma would help me unfold the bed. She'd put a sheet and a blanket on it and a couple of huge pillows and then she'd tuck me in. By that time of night, the porch's many windows were covered with brown slatterned shades that unrolled down on complicated string riggings that were completely incomprehensible to me. Grandma would give me an old Philco transistor pocket radio to sleep with, and I would tune it to WJR, the AM talk station out of Detroit. I'd play it very softly under my pillow. At midnight on weeknights, for years, the same radio show would come on. It was called Night Flight, and it was a sort of musical variety show. The host played soothing songs all night long, interspersed with his own melodic banter and the occasional odd non-musical recording of a comedy routine or a speech. The thing I loved most about the show was that it was presented as a journey, an all night flight to a different location every night. The show started like this:

Announcer, accompanied by sound effect of an airliner advancing down a runway, lifting off: "Night Flight 760, now departing Detroit International Airport..."

Host, with continued airliner sounds, diminishing to a gentle, distant roar: "Good evening, and welcome aboard Night Flight 760. I'm your captain, Jay Roberts, and tonight our destination is Phoenix Arizona, home of Heard Museum's excellent Native American displays, and Frank Lloyd Wright's architecture studio at Taliesin West. Our flight time tonight will be approximately six hours, so feel free to sit back and relax. There are pillows and blankets in the overhead bins if you'd like to sleep some of the way. Or, if you prefer, there are magazines in the seatback ahead of you. Either way, I'll be playing some music as we travel and keeping you company throughout the flight. For now, let's set the mood for the initial portion of our flight with this melody from the great Mel Torme and his enduring classic, 'California Suite'."

And so on. I'd go to sleep to such, and awaken occasionally throughout the night enough to listen to more, drifting in and out to songs like "Send in the the Clowns" (which, hearing for the first time, I found heartbreaking in the leaden depths of the night) and "In the Mood". I became faintly acquainted with bygone musicians like Count Basie and Louis Armstrong. Once I woke up in the predawn hours to hear a recording of an old comedy routine by Bob Newhart. I lay there, mummified in the blankets on the sunporch, the corner streetlight filtering through the shades in tiny stripes, and laughing into my pillow. It was hilarious, and I fell back asleep thinking all about it.

Grandpa almost always got up and left for work long before I ever woke up. The few times I was up and around with him in the morning made strong, nearly graphical impressions on me. The kitchen and dining area of their house was one tiny room just inside the front door. There was a formica topped table pushed against the wall under the single window. It had three matching chairs and a retractable lamp hanging over it. Grandpa would sit there in the dim pink dawnlight from the window and drink a coffee kind of drink called Pero. Grandma would invariably be at the sink or the stove. There was very little talk. I remember grandpa's lunchbox and his Thermos, the classic mottled green cylinder with the silvery screw off cap that you could drink out of. Years later, I asked for and received an identical Thermos from my wife for Christmas, and it was only after I unwrapped it and held it that I knew I had wanted it because grandpa had had one.

Memories of grandpa are like home movies with no sound. I don't even remember what his voice sounded like or the kind of things he'd say. He was the classical quiet type, I guess.

I remember watching him as he cleaned some perch he'd caught in the bay. He did it down in the basement, in a nook under the stairway. He used some electric tool to clean the scales off. I remember the sound of it, slightly harsher than an electric razor, but otherwise the same. I remember the smell of the fish, and my fascination with the way he'd cut them open, gut them, filet them for Grandma to fry up later that night. The basement was small but tidy, with work benches against two walls and what seemed like hundreds of tools hung neatly and categorically on brown pegboard.

I remember him walking home from work. The factory, Union Chain, was only a couple of blocks away, across a tree scattered grass lot with a baseball diamond on one corner. I'd walk down to the corner to meet him at the lot at twenty after three in the afternoon. The factory loomed over the park, all sooty, dust-choked banks of windows swivelled open, meandering ductwork, vents, smokestacks and blank metal doors. Noises came from the windows, distant voices, clangs, machinery. I never knew what it looked like inside, but I had this mental picture of something like an industrial version of Dante's Inferno: mostly shadows clogged with monumental chugging machines, lit only by the glow of molten metal in giant vats, glinting dully off anvil shapes and sweating, grimy, gritty men with hammers and strange, huge tools.

Grandpa would appear with thirty or forty other men as they all emerged slowly from the factory like ants leaving an anthill. They all looked happy enough, but weary. They scattered over the park in twos and threes, all of them walking home, slipping into the dense web of residential streets all around the factory. Grandpa would walk with two or three other men. He'd see me from far off, sitting on the corner waiting. He'd smile, but he wouldn't wave. As they got to where I waited and then joined them, the other men made a bigger fuss over me than grandpa did, but that never bothered me. They'd ruffle my hair and talk about how big I was, but Grandpa just guided me with a huge hand on the back of my head, or took my hand in his huge, calloused, meaty grapple. I knew he was always happy to see me, happy in a way that went completely through the loud, jovial happiness of the other men and out the other side, into something unspoken and somehow gigantic. But sad. Always sad.

My biggest and most substantial memory of grandpa, though, is the one I saw the most. Evenings at grandma and grandpas were almost indistinguishable from one to the other. Grandma made dinner early. We were usually done by five-thirty or so. And while she cleaned up, grandpa and I would go to the sun porch together. I'd play on the floor with my Legos or draw on scraps of cut apart paper bags and grandpa would just sit. He'd usually have something to drink in his huge, rocklike hand, and it was usually a glass of Cherokee Redpop with a pile of icecubes ticking inside. I would play on the floor by him, on that crazy rainbow striped carpeting, and he would just sit, his head turned toward the strip of bay we could see just past the dead end, watching the sun dip down into the water, laying its reflection out on the waves in a mad, glittering stripe. He'd sit that way for an hour or two, until the sky was a fading red ember and the glass in his hand was empty, beaded with ice cube sweat. Then he'd heave himself out of his big easy chair and go into the adjoining living room and turn on the TV for the night. And I'd follow.

That's all.

These are good memories. These are the things that made me, that still make me. I am, practically speaking, nothing like my grandpa. He was huge and quiet, a laborer, smiling but always, somehow, sad. I am huge as well, but goofy, never without something to say, a digital artist making a living on my butt in front of a computer. The only manual work I do, I do at the gym, on purpose, to avoid becoming a complete sloth. And yet, I have grandpa's blood in me, making me. I am formed by him, marginally because his genes define me, but mostly because I looked at him when I was growing up, studied him intently, and I said "this is what a man is." He was far from a perfect man-- I know that more now than I want to. But he was perfect to me then. Perfect enough, at least. He was Manhood. Even today, I climb that granite mountain that he still is in my memory, and I strive to be that sort of Man, too. To pick up where he left off. Ultimately, to get it right where he, eventually, couldn't.

And today I see my son look at me with those eyes. God, oh God it is so eerie, so humbling, so haunting. It's as if time laps back on itself and I am the one in the chair with the Cherokee Redpop sweating in my enormous hand. I am the one being watched by this little man that is so very, very much like me. What will I make Manhood to be for him? What mountain am I carving in his little heart, that will grow with him and become the mountain he climbs to be a Man? I hope it is a good mountain, an even better mountain. I hope so.

But I am grateful for my own mountain, the silent, solid granite mountain of my grandpa, and the distant, lost world he represents to me.

I hope I represent it well.